Standing in the Ocean

Knee deep in the ocean. Watching the waves come at us. Some of them we see coming, some completely blindside us. Either way, there’s no getting out of the way. No preparing. No dodging the inevitable.

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The list of what’s brought on these waves seems completely random.

Our moms meeting our beautiful little boy in the hospital and getting the chance to say goodbye. Wave. Calling my brother and sister to tell them that their little nephew isn’t coming home with us. Wave. Kissing Simon’s perfect little nose and saying goodbye. Wave. Walking into the mortuary and picking out an urn for our son we never got the chance to meet. Wave. These I saw coming, but that didn’t stop them from pummeling us.

Then there are the other waves. I threw a ball to Nolan and he was so proud when he caught it. Wave. (Nolan and Simon will never play catch in the front yard like my brother and I did.) Jimmy Fallon’s damn “Dada” book (no I can’t read that one anymore.) Wave. I didn’t see either of those waves coming, nor the thousands of others that have come at us.

The ocean stretches on forever. And ever. Always and always. And there is no end in sight. The only hope is that the waves are someday further and further apart, and maybe not quite so devastating. But they won’t end.

Wave.

6 thoughts on “Standing in the Ocean”

  1. I admire you and your courage through these devastating times. Your writing is raw and full of emotions and provided me a window into all that you are going through.
    Stay strong and know that the swell will eventually slow and the waters will become calmer.
    Hugz

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This blog is going to be hard to read….I’m proud of your honest, raw emotion, and the eloquent words. I understand and relate to the waves, sometimes it feels like I’m drowning….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The shear vulnerability of your words speaks oceans of your loss. May you find clarity and comfort (eventually) through your most profound honesty in these posts. This is a very brave and healing process you have embarked on in doing so. Please know we hold you both within our hearts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

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