I Wish I Could

The title of this post might be a bit misleading, because obviously I wish I could change what happened, but to be honest, I just couldn’t think of a headline that worked.

There are days, hours, moments since Simon died that I feel like an abject failure.

A father, a husband, is supposed to protect his family, and I can’t shake the feeling that somehow, someway I failed, and I continue to do so.

First and foremost, I failed to protect my son. I couldn’t keep him safe. Logically I know that there’s nothing I (or anyone else) could have done to protect him, but logic doesn’t exist in my world right now. I couldn’t protect him, and now he doesn’t get to grow up with a mom and dad that love him and a big brother that would have been the absolute best big brother imaginable.

I failed/am failing to protect my wife from the heartbreak, the shattering pain and grief that losing our son caused/is causing. I can’t protect her from the thoughts that creep in. The doubts. The nightmares. The worries. The anxiety. I can’t protect her from a world that says things like “everything happens for a reason”. I can’t.

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I wish I could go back and be the protector that Simon needed. That Simon deserved. But I know I can’t. I hope I can protect my wife from the unending pain of a loss that no one should be forced to endure. I hope I don’t fail Nolan and he is still able to grow up to be the happy, kind person he deserves to be.

I hope I can do all of this, BE all of this, because Simon, Nolan and Tera deserve that from me.

3 thoughts on “I Wish I Could”

  1. Brett
    At some point I hope you will see that you must accept your pain and loss but also realize you are not to blame. It’s a beautiful thing to assume the role of protector for your family but there are simply some things beyond your control in life. Know that the fact that you care so much makes you the perfect person to fill your role as father. Pain like this is like a scar on a tree. It does not just go away, but the tree continues to grow and assume great size and beauty. That painful scar becomes one smaller part of a beautiful full life. I feel for you and yours, and wish you peace in the years to come.
    Jim

    Liked by 1 person

  2. At this place in time, all you can do is be there, and you are. Be there for Nolan, be there for Tera, and be there for you. You can’t take away the pain, sadness, nightmares…not from Tera, not from you. You can never fail Nolan, because you love him, that’s all he needs from you is love. Be kind to yourself, you deserve that too….I love you. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Brett, you are a great father and husband. This is a terrible tragedy that was out of yours and Tera’s control. The pain you are feeling is real and heartbreaking and we are all surrounding you with love constantly.

    Liked by 1 person

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