There are so many songs written about someones eyes. Odes written to eyes. So many ways to describe their color. They hold wisdom, they shine like the stars. They are among the first things people ask about when you have a baby.
And we will never know what color Simon’s eyes were.
They were closed when he entered the world, and we never had the chance to gaze into them. Worse yet, he never had the chance to look up at his adoring mommy and daddy fawning over him.
It haunts me to this day (or more accurately almost every night.) Nightmares that everyone I love is in front of me but can’t open their eyes. They can’t see me, and they are crying out for me thinking I have abandoned them. It’s one of the two recurring nightmares that wakes me several times a night.
I will always remember looking into Nolan’s eyes when he was born. I will always remember staring into them as he grows and smiling when they smiled. I will always remember the pure blue eyes that look back at me so intently when we are talking.
And I will always remember that Simon’s eyes were closed.
He was 6 pounds 3 ounces, 19 3/4 inches long, and had basically no hair. It’s one of the most heartbreaking things in a miles-long list of heartbreaks to know that I will never know what my son, my little boy, my Simon’s eyes looked like.
He never saw it, so I can only hope that he felt our love for the nine months he was growing inside Tera.
God I miss him.