I’ll never get over the “shoulds” in our new life.
Simon should be a year old. Simon should be walking. Simon should be chasing his big brother around, trying to keep up. Laughing, playing, eating way too much cake as family and friends gather around to celebrate.
He should be all of these things.
But instead, we celebrated his birthday the only way we felt we could. We left. We went away and got into nature and off the grid. (Or, as off the grid as possible with an iPhone in your pocket.) We didn’t plan. We let the day go as it needed to, with one exception. We were going to see the sunset, and we were hoping for a beautiful one.
As with anything, that was out of our control. It was a cloudy day, and we were afraid we wouldn’t see the sun at all. And then, just before it dropped below the horizon, it dropped below the clouds and lit up the valley. We saw this.
It was beautiful. It brought a smile to our faces and tears to our eyes. We walked away after it got dark saying that Simon put on a hell of a show for us. It was a view, a sunset, an experience I’ll never forget.
That was his birthday.
It left our hearts both broken and full. We got what we needed in that moment, and I truly feel we celebrated his birthday, we celebrated him the best way we could.
And the shoulds return. We didn’t get a first birthday party, we got a sunset. We didn’t get to laugh as he tasted his first real bites of sugar. Nolan didn’t get to give his baby brother a birthday present.
We got a sunset.
As we celebrate your first birthday, my greatest hope is that you know how loved you are and how missed you are. We will never stop thinking about you. We will never forget. I’ll be your daddy always and always, and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure the world knows your name.
As I look back at pictures of you, the only pictures we’ll ever have, I am reminded how perfect you were, and how perfect you’ll always be in my heart.
I would give anything ANYTHING to hold you one more time. To give you one more kiss, one more hug. To sing to you. To read you a book. To tell you one more time how much I love you.
Because I do, and I always will.
I love you Simon,